Gay bashing

Wow!

I’m amazed that a word prompt can be used as a gay bashing platform.  I am aware people should be entitled to their own opinions but not at the expense of someone else’s rights.  I don’t like religions and I especially don’t like it when people use religion as a way of being crappy to others.

Too risky

Midnight chime will never come

The dance goes on forever

Princess I will never be

Remaining Cinderella

 

Beheld in splendid manner

No knight in shining gallantry

When night has passed

Will frog awake drag back harsh reality

 

This time of endless night

Our flawless selves are out to play

Freeze the hands at five to twelve

This is where I choose to stay

Risky

Moment to moment

For a moment I can be in a relatively good place.  I’ve written a post about my mothers phone call and ready to post it here so start-up WordPress.  Then I read a comment and my mood has changed.   I am reacting, I’m angry and upset and have no objectivity I just know I feel raw at another persons arrogance.

This is my disorder, this is me, I am instantly affected in the moment.  I don’t believe the comment was intended to have this effect for a second.  But, this is an open statement to everyone, I do not and will not pretend to understand how depression or other mental illness effects or has effected you so please don’t tell me you understand how I have felt.  You don’t!

The past has not just happened so that’s it, if it were that simple I would not live like a hermit, have suicidal thoughts, be incapable of maintaining relationships, shave my head, binge eat, gamble, see a psychiatrist, cry over everything and nothing, need medication or be so dragged down by a simple comment.

I needed to speak.

How words change

On the phone with my mother, I have been regaled with another story of one of her morning trips out. My mother likes to witter away, has a slightly unusual sense of humour and would never knowingly upset or offend another person.

My parents like to go to a garden centre for breakfast and while paying for their coffees and whatnot the boy at the till made a mistake with their change.
Being jovial my mother said “they will think you’re bent”. My cringing dad told her to shut up but the boy and the surrounding staff did at least laugh.

To my mother being bent comes from the phrase being “bent as a nine bob note” as in crooked or fraudulent. Over the years it has been appropriated to mean homosexual. It has made me think about our language and how the meaning of many other words/phrases have changed, usually relating to sexuality and in the negative. Also how my mother is as mad as a box of frogs and I know where I get it from.

My “best boyfriend” (some adult content)

This person was my last partner, I don’t think he is evil and not even the worst I’ve had a relationship with.  However like many men he is unable to see a true reflection of himself or understand that he is a part of the rape culture problem.  When I ended things with him one of his messages to me finished with “your best boyfriend” and he was shocked when I didn’t agree and enforce his self belief.

 

We lived in the same area and were acquainted but he knew about me before we got together.  Like, I had been sexually abused as a child and he knew my abuser, it was local knowledge.  I told him about the sexually abusive relationship I had been in at the age of fourteen with someone else he knew.  Being pressured in to sex, anal sex and being torn and bleeding, and oral sex, remembering to carry around a bottle of coke with me so I could swallow his cum which I hated.  Having to watch porn and being told to act like the porn stars.

 

I was clear from the beginning that I had no interest in anal sex and that I didn’t “swallow”.  His attitude was, that will change.  With a certain amount of emotional blackmail I put up with doing it a couple of times before saying “no more”.  He wasn’t happy about it so there was more emotional pressure.  I specifically asked him “Do you think I should have to do sexual things I don’t want to do to make you happy” and he said “yes”.

 

He would piss on me in the shower against my wishes because he liked “watersports”.  He wanted to film our sex sessions, when I say our I mean me, I said no. He continued to try to film me anyway by sneaking his camera in to various places and hoping I wouldn’t notice.  I made him delete scenes that I knew about, to this day I don’t know if he has secret footage.

 

I don’t like to pigeon-hole myself as bisexual, my preference is for men but I am also attracted to women.  I told him and he used this for his gratification, wanting me to talk about lesbian acts to turn him on, the pretense that women are just pleasuring each other until he can join in.  Several months later when we were in bed, talking about “girl on girl” action again, I told him that I had previously told my parents that I was bisexual and suddenly his mood changed.  He left the room and didn’t want to talk to me for a while before the quizzing on whether I could be trusted began.  It pissed me off because suddenly my sexuality was real and about me not just something to turn him on and he didn’t like it.

 

In my late teens while at the back of a bus, a local man shoved his hand with some force between my legs.  I was wearing a short summer dress so only had my underwear to protect me.  I didn’t scream, I didn’t shout, I just froze.  I internalized and became that nine-year old abused child again, I got off at the next stop.  The same man, years later, was charged with abusing a child who lived a street away from me.  This man came up in conversation and when I told my partner what had happened he said “how is he supposed to know he did anything wrong if you didn’t tell him off”, he continued to say “he might have thought you were ok with it” at that moment it felt like he had put a dagger through my heart.  A man has assaulted me and my partner thinks it is my responsibility to let him know it is wrong, he doesn’t have to take any responsibility for his own actions. I will never forgive him for that.

 

My partner knew of my past and my struggles with mental illness but he had made it clear that his wants and needs came before mine even if that meant hurting me.  Yet he saw himself as my “best boyfriend”, unable to see that he is also an abuser.  I was seeing a psychotherapist, she asked if he was respectful to me in our sex life but I lied and said yes. I was too ashamed to tell the truth and I knew if the question came “why are you putting up with this”, I wouldn’t be able to answer.

 

I have been single now for a couple of years and I can’t see that changing.  I see men I am attracted to but have no trust in them and I despise male genitals.  I have reacted a lot to the recent news of sexual harassment, it brings up bad memories for me and makes me angry that there still seems to be the thinking that men aren’t responsible for their own behaviour.  My ex partner won’t read this so it won’t change him but I just needed to get this off my chest.

How to/whether to continue

I have read another persons word prompt post and reacted.  I’m not sure this is good for my mental health.  Everyone is entitled to their own opinions and surely in blogging people should feel comfortable writing how they wish, it’s their own thought process just as my blog is mine.

I stopped using Facebook and twitter because they were toxic to me.  They brought out the worst parts of my illness, I had no edit button so continued to allow me to drag myself into a pit of darkness and despair.  BPD is also a constant struggle with seeing hidden meanings in things that are said or unsaid, why don’t you like me enough compared to x,y or z, how long it takes for comments to be left (if at all).

I started writing a blog because I needed somewhere to release negative feelings and express myself.  My concern now is I am reading other posts and reacting, looking at stats, wondering when someone will read my post, if they will comment and follow me.  This is all too familiar and bad for my mental state so now I am pondering what to do.  Writing has been good for me, however I may have to be stricter with myself and use this more as a personal journal, ignore word prompts and if people read my blog they do if they don’t they don’t.  Maybe I am just not in a stable enough place to connect yet.