This person was my last partner, I don’t think he is evil and not even the worst I’ve had a relationship with. However like many men he is unable to see a true reflection of himself or understand that he is a part of the rape culture problem. When I ended things with him one of his messages to me finished with “your best boyfriend” and he was shocked when I didn’t agree and enforce his self belief.
We lived in the same area and were acquainted but he knew about me before we got together. Like, I had been sexually abused as a child and he knew my abuser, it was local knowledge. I told him about the sexually abusive relationship I had been in at the age of fourteen with someone else he knew. Being pressured in to sex, anal sex and being torn and bleeding, and oral sex, remembering to carry around a bottle of coke with me so I could swallow his cum which I hated. Having to watch porn and being told to act like the porn stars.
I was clear from the beginning that I had no interest in anal sex and that I didn’t “swallow”. His attitude was, that will change. With a certain amount of emotional blackmail I put up with doing it a couple of times before saying “no more”. He wasn’t happy about it so there was more emotional pressure. I specifically asked him “Do you think I should have to do sexual things I don’t want to do to make you happy” and he said “yes”.
He would piss on me in the shower against my wishes because he liked “watersports”. He wanted to film our sex sessions, when I say our I mean me, I said no. He continued to try to film me anyway by sneaking his camera in to various places and hoping I wouldn’t notice. I made him delete scenes that I knew about, to this day I don’t know if he has secret footage.
I don’t like to pigeon-hole myself as bisexual, my preference is for men but I am also attracted to women. I told him and he used this for his gratification, wanting me to talk about lesbian acts to turn him on, the pretense that women are just pleasuring each other until he can join in. Several months later when we were in bed, talking about “girl on girl” action again, I told him that I had previously told my parents that I was bisexual and suddenly his mood changed. He left the room and didn’t want to talk to me for a while before the quizzing on whether I could be trusted began. It pissed me off because suddenly my sexuality was real and about me not just something to turn him on and he didn’t like it.
In my late teens while at the back of a bus, a local man shoved his hand with some force between my legs. I was wearing a short summer dress so only had my underwear to protect me. I didn’t scream, I didn’t shout, I just froze. I internalized and became that nine-year old abused child again, I got off at the next stop. The same man, years later, was charged with abusing a child who lived a street away from me. This man came up in conversation and when I told my partner what had happened he said “how is he supposed to know he did anything wrong if you didn’t tell him off”, he continued to say “he might have thought you were ok with it” at that moment it felt like he had put a dagger through my heart. A man has assaulted me and my partner thinks it is my responsibility to let him know it is wrong, he doesn’t have to take any responsibility for his own actions. I will never forgive him for that.
My partner knew of my past and my struggles with mental illness but he had made it clear that his wants and needs came before mine even if that meant hurting me. Yet he saw himself as my “best boyfriend”, unable to see that he is also an abuser. I was seeing a psychotherapist, she asked if he was respectful to me in our sex life but I lied and said yes. I was too ashamed to tell the truth and I knew if the question came “why are you putting up with this”, I wouldn’t be able to answer.
I have been single now for a couple of years and I can’t see that changing. I see men I am attracted to but have no trust in them and I despise male genitals. I have reacted a lot to the recent news of sexual harassment, it brings up bad memories for me and makes me angry that there still seems to be the thinking that men aren’t responsible for their own behaviour. My ex partner won’t read this so it won’t change him but I just needed to get this off my chest.